Living in the Hummmmmmmm!

The older I get, the more I realize that everything changes!  I know that this doesn’t sound like anything new or mind-blowing, but it becomes more and more apparent to me each and every day.  I realize that over my lifetime, even though things change, I have become used to MY status quo, but at the same time I become more acutely aware of the fact that I have probably lived longer than I have left, and I am not trying to be doom and gloom, just aware.  If things rock on for a time and appear to be going about the same, you know, the same routine day in and day out with very little difference between them, I think on some level that this is how it’s going to be. I get comfortable.  You know, get up, go to work, take my child to school, work, run errands, clean house, pay bills, cook/eat dinner, help with homework, play, maybe do something after work, get stuff ready for tomorrow, go to bed and get up and do it all over again.  You don’t think that one day you will wake up and, boom, this is the day you are never going to see this person again or that person again.  You don’t think to yourself, today my life will change in some way and never be the same as I am used to seeing it day in and day out.  You don’t think about the fact that this person could die or that person could leave or that friend will no longer be a part of your life for whatever reason.  We just don’t think that way, at least I didn’t.

We live in a space where we think things are going to remain the same a lot of the times or if there is change, it will be little enough that I can deal with it without being too uncomfortable, and even with that awareness I still forget that.  I forget.  I get comfortable for a minute and relax my guard and think it’s going to be smooth for a bit and live in the concept of “daily life”.  I can breathe.  Then, bam!!! wrong!  Something else happens.  I am coming to expect changes and I don’t always like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like when cool stuff happens, but I like things to stay the same, that comfortable spot an old friend of mine used to call “the Hummmm”.  She used to say that if your life is less up and down like a roller coaster, less drama and trauma that we create for ourselves or that happens to us; that we just kind of move along okay, that we are living in the Hummmmm.  No drama.  I thought to myself back then almost 30 years ago, I will never live in the Hummmmmm.  I want to, but I don’t think that is possible.  And it’s not really, but depending on how I look at my day-to-day life and live it, I can live in the Hummmmm to some degree a lot of the time. It depends on my perspective.  I just have to be prepared for the ups and downs even if I am not creating them.  My perspective and how I deal with them makes all the difference in the world.  But you know what?  I get tired of trying to keep my perspective on point all the time….at least sometimes!

The fact is that people change.  People die.  People leave.  People grow and morph every day in one way or another even if it’s not in a healthy way.  And if these people are in my life, it’s going to affect me one way or another as well.  Not everyone is going to be my friend til death.  Not every partner will stick around til death.   Not every job will last til retirement.  Children grow up and move out.  Nothing is for sure except death and change.  If someone had told me ten years ago that my life would be like it is today, I couldn’t have imagined it, and I have an absolutely wonderful life.  I am so grateful for it!!! But why is it so hard to understand that and keep it in my awareness so that when shit changes I won’t be so surprised or blown away by it?  I don’t know, but it sucks!  I guess that’s why some monastic groups meditate on death and the decay of the body so that when it happens, it won’t be so horrible, maybe.  I don’t know, but I digress.

What I have come to realize as well is that it’s about balance and acceptance.  I am not always going to be happy about changes in my life especially if they make me feel sad or abandoned or if I didn’t choose them.  I am not always going to have a good, centered perspective.  I am not always going to be Zen about my day-to-day life, and that’s okay.  I am a growing, changing human with real feelings.  I can be sad and mad and happy and afraid.  I can CHANGE.  I can change my mind.  I can change course.  I can make a new decision.  I can do something different.  I can be creative.  I can make a new plan.  I can have highs and lows.  I can do anything I put my mind to…this I am sure of!  The key is balance and acceptance.  When my perspective is out of whack, it’s okay for a little bit.  As long as I am aware on some level that all things are going to change no matter how I live my life.  I can move along through it even though it will be uncomfortable because I know that this or that feeling won’t stay this way forever.  I can have balance about things and try to look at things as experiences that enrich my life and make me who I am.  It doesn’t mean I won’t be sad or mad or that I won’t make decisions that change my whole course or that I won’t make mistakes.  It’s all part of my path.  It is the path.  I am not “getting” somewhere.  Here is where I am.  This is it!  I just need to be authentic, real, honest, and as balanced as I can be with as good a perspective as I can have and accept that I have choices about how I do it each and every day!

This is just me, and I am okay with it!  Peace and love, Everyone!


Waking Up…

So one night I am Skyping with my Great Teacher, a monk/priest in the Zen Buddhist tradition. As we are wrapping up the teaching, he asks me….”Are you awake?” I said…um…yes. I think so. Being awake requires one to be present in the moment and actually pay attention to what is happening in that moment all around you moment after moment. It’s the ability to be that way in each and every moment…something that escapes me 99.99% of the time every single day! When I try to be awake in the moment and pay attention, I try to hold on to that feeling, that presence of mind. This particular evening, I thought that when we get done with our teaching session, I would try to hold on to this thought long enough to walk through the house and onto the deck to tell my partner about what it meant to me to be awake. Now, let me also say that that requires walking through five small rooms to get to my deck. I am not proud of the fact that it took me literally two rooms to lose my present moment. I thought to myself, this is hard….remaining completely present in the moment and only being in this moment alone. I almost instantly and without any effort leap to the future or go to the past. It is very hard work maintaining “awakeness” every moment…moment after moment. Needless to say, by the time I walked through the five small rooms in my house to get to the deck, I had worked out so many things in my head, planned several events, figured out what we should have for dinner, redesigned my bathroom, etc. etc. all in my head and at the same time realizing that that is exactly what I was doing and thinking to myself…how is it that I can’t hold onto a thought for more than a nanosecond? Living in the moment, paying attention to the here and now takes practice every single day. On the rare occasion when all the stars align and I can actually stay in the moment for more than a moment, I feel more, I hear more, I see more, I love more….I am aware of more than just myself. I am awake…..even if just for a moment…..Zen Ragamuffin

Zen Ragamuffin

Zen Ragamuffin: 3/19/15
A ragamuffin is usually described as being a small child, usually female, who is dirty and wears torn clothing. I am not a ragamuffin in that sense, but after watching the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of Rich Mullins, I feel that I have found a new direction in a ragamuffin way. Rich Mullins was a Christian singer/songwriter who was a sad, lost man trying to find his own truth. He ultimately found it in his music and helping others. He was just himself. He didn’t care what other people thought about him or how he dressed, what he said or whether it was a typical Christian answer to typical Christian questions. He answered from his heart and a lot of the times it was a very profound answer that was real. He smoked cigarettes and drank.  He wore old t-shirts with jeans that had holes.  He always wanted the approval of his father and finally got some peace with his father just a short time before he was in a car crash that took his precious life at the age of 41. He was just a peaceful, loving guy with a lot of inner turmoil. He had a lot to say and he said it through his music that moved people all over the world. People could relate to him so much because he seemed to speak to that part of the human condition that doesn’t feel good enough about themselves.  He became famous, but that is not what he wanted and that is not where he found his happiness, his true spirit. He found it within himself, through accepting the circumstances he had with his father, his music and the choices he had made.

I can relate so much to Rich Mullins in a lot of ways. I have always had some sort of calling. I have always been a seeker. The thing is I didn’t know how to just be myself and say what I needed to say without fear; fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear that I wouldn’t be liked or that I would be judged or that I would be wrong about what I say and not know how to defend what I had said in the first place. I have done this for most of my life.

In the past, if I said what I wanted it usually wasn’t very skillful. I never used to think about what I said. I would just blurt it out and not think about the consequences or who it might hurt. I didn’t have any thought of what it might do to someone else. I just thought I was “right” so then I must say it, but what I know now is that I was using this as a way to hide who I really was and I also didn’t know who I was. I knew that I hurt inside and that I was lost. I didn’t fit in anywhere and I felt very different. There was definitely something missing in my spirit, but I didn’t know what it was. I wanted more always. I wanted to be accepted, but I also wanted to be different from everything I saw around me. There was an ache inside, a sadness, but a drive to figure it out. That’s what I have been doing for the last 25 plus years. One thing I know more than anything else about myself is that I was supposed to be a momma. My boys are the one true thing in my life. They are me, and I am them. I couldn’t breathe without them. I don’t know what I did before them. But I also knew there was something more about me that I had to find out.

The part of my spirit that had been missing was a sense of who I was besides being a mom to my two boys. All of that changed when I found Buddhism back in the 90’s. I knew when I evolved into Buddhism that I found my true self-calling. I just didn’t know what that looked like and all the studying I did or meditating I did didn’t seem to answer the questions either. They made me feel better, but the more I studied, the more I meditated and hung around with like-minded people the more I questioned. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what the force was that was pushing me forward and I still had so much to learn. I had many more trials to go through, relationships, parent problems, personal traumas to deal with, but once I got through a lot of that stuff, I still had a hole to fill. That’s when I found seminary or seminary found me.

I have been in Zen seminary now for a year and a half. I have studied hard, read tons of stuff, meditated more than I ever had before and with a new mental attitude toward it all, but what would I do with it? I knew I wanted to be monastic. One of the things I thought I wanted more than anything was to live in a cave somewhere in India or Tibet and meditate until I die, but being a mom and having responsibilities didn’t seem to push me in that direction.  Part  of me longed to be alone, to just have quiet, to sort things out….what things I am not sure. I just knew that there was not enough time, space or quiet that could help me figure that out. Then my Great Teacher said something to me one day that made me rethink things. He said something like, what good could I do people if I was stuck in some cave or monastery in some far-off land? I honestly didn’t know and nobody had really asked me that before. I just knew that what he said made sense. I wanted to help people. I wanted to teach people, but what could I teach them? I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t like anything I really had to say, but I had so much to say. I didn’t feel good about my art, but I had so many drawings and paintings in my head. I had so much to write but I never wrote. I was just frozen, just stuck. I didn’t feel good enough to do anything with anything I was learning or building. The closer I came to ordination, the less worthy I felt with each passing day. I just wanted to do something.

I kept thinking that maybe I was supposed to open a Zen center and teach meditation and teach the Dharma, but how? I don’t have money to buy a place or even the cushions to sit on. And besides I wasn’t good enough to give a talk, teach anyone, and even if I did have the balls to teach something, someone would just question it and I wouldn’t have a good enough answer. I was never more stuck and unsure in my whole life. Then I ordained…..

The first time I would get angry after my ordination or say shit or damn or get frustrated with my little one or have an argument with my partner, I would feel more and more unworthy. How could I be a Zen priest who couldn’t control her own emotions? I wasn’t worthy. I didn’t fit here either. What was my direction? How could I help someone else if I couldn’t help myself?

So one night I was talking to my Great Teacher, and he told me about the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of Rich Mullins. I thought to myself, what could this possibly have to do with me? The answer is everything!!!! I truly think this movie has helped to set me free. What this movie is about is learning how to be free, be myself just like this..HOW TO BE ME…JUST ME…..JUST ME!!! REGARDLESS!!!!  Being me just the way I am is Zen, Zen in the moment, whatever that looks like.
So I am sitting here listening to some of the best damn music ever…kirtan by Krishna Das, smoking my e-cig and finally writing about what is going on, saying it freely without too much worry.  I still have doubts, but I am working on it slowly but surely, and it starts right now.  I have a whole lot to say, and I am going to say it regardless. It doesn’t matter if people don’t like it. It doesn’t matter if people don’t understand it. It just is. This is what it means to me to be a Zen Ragamuffin. Being myself, with all my flaws, just being my hippie momma-vegan-eclectic-Zen priest self, making mistakes, saying things that matter to me but taking other people’s feeling into consideration the best way I know how and just helping all the humans and non-humans to the best of my ability with love. I don’t know if what I have to say will ever help someone or not.  If it does, that’s awesome!  If it doesn’t, that’s cool, too.  But from now on, I am going to put it out there.  I am going to at least have the courage to try so that I don’t look back when I am taking my last breath and say I sure wish I had tried.  That’s a Zen Ragamuffin!

Only Love and Peace

The Zen Ragamuffin

Rev. Jachong Charama

My blog…

So why am I blogging? Really, I am not totally sure yet, but I think I need to say stuff. I have a lot of ideas about what I am “supposed” to say and how my blog should look, but really it’s about stepping off the edge and diving in, being vulnerable and letting others in. It’s about saying what’s on my mind and saying it not for approval, but because it’s part of my creative nature. It’s about helping and sharing.  It’s not about if someone likes it or not, because quite frankly there is a lot I have to say that a lot of people probably won’t like, but I can’t write for them. I have to get out what I want my legacy to be, my fingerprint on this life, what my children will someday look at and say to themselves, “Wow! my mom was pretty kick-ass.” My grandbabies will hopefully say, “I wish I could have met her” or “Can I hang a piece of her art in my room, Dad? What? She made jewelry, too, and she was vegan?  That is way cool.”

Yeah, I am vegan. I could write an entire book on my food journey, but I won’t because how way boring is that? Let’s just say I WILL write about veganism and animals…that’s just who I am.

I am also a Zen Buddhist in seminary studying to be a priest. That’s a huge part of my life and my journey.

I am an artist. I make stuff. I paint. I decorate. I do murals. I create. I love to create all sorts of things, and I guess this blog is just another outlet for creativity.

But most importantly, I am a mother. This is one of the main reasons I was put on this plane of existence was to be a mother. Talk about a book!!! Well, my two boys are the most important, awesome two boys a mother could ever have. I will write about them all the time.

I like to say things bluntly and to the point. I don’t like to sugar-coat anything. Say it like it is. Why waste time with anything less? Life is too short for guessing games.

Really I want to blog about stuff that may possibly help someone, too…help them to think outside the box, outside the matrix.  I want to use the matrix to educate about the matrix….stay tuned.  I want to empower people. I want to show them that they can do things that they don’t think they can do.  I want to share my life in the hopes that it could give hope, encourage, and give determination to those who need it.

So if any of the things I write about bring up emotion in you or give you something to talk about, great.  If you want to talk about any of it with me, that is cool, too.  I would be happy to chat.  I want what I say to create dialog.  This is me diving in.