Living in the Hummmmmmmm!

The older I get, the more I realize that everything changes!  I know that this doesn’t sound like anything new or mind-blowing, but it becomes more and more apparent to me each and every day.  I realize that over my lifetime, even though things change, I have become used to MY status quo, but at the same time I become more acutely aware of the fact that I have probably lived longer than I have left, and I am not trying to be doom and gloom, just aware.  If things rock on for a time and appear to be going about the same, you know, the same routine day in and day out with very little difference between them, I think on some level that this is how it’s going to be. I get comfortable.  You know, get up, go to work, take my child to school, work, run errands, clean house, pay bills, cook/eat dinner, help with homework, play, maybe do something after work, get stuff ready for tomorrow, go to bed and get up and do it all over again.  You don’t think that one day you will wake up and, boom, this is the day you are never going to see this person again or that person again.  You don’t think to yourself, today my life will change in some way and never be the same as I am used to seeing it day in and day out.  You don’t think about the fact that this person could die or that person could leave or that friend will no longer be a part of your life for whatever reason.  We just don’t think that way, at least I didn’t.

We live in a space where we think things are going to remain the same a lot of the times or if there is change, it will be little enough that I can deal with it without being too uncomfortable, and even with that awareness I still forget that.  I forget.  I get comfortable for a minute and relax my guard and think it’s going to be smooth for a bit and live in the concept of “daily life”.  I can breathe.  Then, bam!!! wrong!  Something else happens.  I am coming to expect changes and I don’t always like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like when cool stuff happens, but I like things to stay the same, that comfortable spot an old friend of mine used to call “the Hummmm”.  She used to say that if your life is less up and down like a roller coaster, less drama and trauma that we create for ourselves or that happens to us; that we just kind of move along okay, that we are living in the Hummmmm.  No drama.  I thought to myself back then almost 30 years ago, I will never live in the Hummmmmm.  I want to, but I don’t think that is possible.  And it’s not really, but depending on how I look at my day-to-day life and live it, I can live in the Hummmmm to some degree a lot of the time. It depends on my perspective.  I just have to be prepared for the ups and downs even if I am not creating them.  My perspective and how I deal with them makes all the difference in the world.  But you know what?  I get tired of trying to keep my perspective on point all the time….at least sometimes!

The fact is that people change.  People die.  People leave.  People grow and morph every day in one way or another even if it’s not in a healthy way.  And if these people are in my life, it’s going to affect me one way or another as well.  Not everyone is going to be my friend til death.  Not every partner will stick around til death.   Not every job will last til retirement.  Children grow up and move out.  Nothing is for sure except death and change.  If someone had told me ten years ago that my life would be like it is today, I couldn’t have imagined it, and I have an absolutely wonderful life.  I am so grateful for it!!! But why is it so hard to understand that and keep it in my awareness so that when shit changes I won’t be so surprised or blown away by it?  I don’t know, but it sucks!  I guess that’s why some monastic groups meditate on death and the decay of the body so that when it happens, it won’t be so horrible, maybe.  I don’t know, but I digress.

What I have come to realize as well is that it’s about balance and acceptance.  I am not always going to be happy about changes in my life especially if they make me feel sad or abandoned or if I didn’t choose them.  I am not always going to have a good, centered perspective.  I am not always going to be Zen about my day-to-day life, and that’s okay.  I am a growing, changing human with real feelings.  I can be sad and mad and happy and afraid.  I can CHANGE.  I can change my mind.  I can change course.  I can make a new decision.  I can do something different.  I can be creative.  I can make a new plan.  I can have highs and lows.  I can do anything I put my mind to…this I am sure of!  The key is balance and acceptance.  When my perspective is out of whack, it’s okay for a little bit.  As long as I am aware on some level that all things are going to change no matter how I live my life.  I can move along through it even though it will be uncomfortable because I know that this or that feeling won’t stay this way forever.  I can have balance about things and try to look at things as experiences that enrich my life and make me who I am.  It doesn’t mean I won’t be sad or mad or that I won’t make decisions that change my whole course or that I won’t make mistakes.  It’s all part of my path.  It is the path.  I am not “getting” somewhere.  Here is where I am.  This is it!  I just need to be authentic, real, honest, and as balanced as I can be with as good a perspective as I can have and accept that I have choices about how I do it each and every day!

This is just me, and I am okay with it!  Peace and love, Everyone!

Happiness Doesn’t Exist!

Sermon given on 10/25/16

Image result for happiness and flowers

I was so honored when Rev. McKee asked me to talk to you this morning about happiness.  To be honest, I was nervous, too – especially when I decided to call my sermon, “Happiness Doesn’t Exist.”  So let me ask you…How do YOU define happiness?  Is it money?  Is it a big house or a fancy trip to exotic places?  Is it family?  Is it health and well-being?  What is it?

From a Zen perspective, happiness doesn’t exist. You can’t go buy happiness.  You can’t order happiness on Amazon and have it shipped to your house.  You can’t pick up happiness.  You can’t borrow it from someone else.  Happiness is an inside job.  It comes from within oneself, our own Buddha nature, our true self.

I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say to all of you about happiness, and I have thought of all the different Zen aspects that apply to this topic.  I have written this talk over many different times trying to get it just right and say just the right thing, but that is not really how I do things.  I have to do them from a feeling place.  I have to speak from my heart.  What it really boils down to for me is perspective.  When I was younger, I was a pretty angry young adult.  I felt that there was a lot of injustice in the world.  I wanted to make things right and change people.  I wanted to bang my drum and stomp my feet.  I thought if I threw enough fits, yelled the loudest, protested the most, people would change their ways.  What I really wanted was for everyone to think like I did.  I thought I was right.  I always thought I was right; that my way was the only way, and if you didn’t see it my way, well, then you were narrow-minded, close minded, or better yet, you were down right wrong.  My perspective was very messed up, and the truth is I didn’t love myself.  I didn’t think I was good enough, so I overcompensated in other areas.  I never looked outside myself.  I never put myself in someone else’s shoes.  I never thought about how it was for anybody else, what their life was like, how they grew up, what their belief systems were; that there might be more than one way to look at things.  My mind was so closed to anything else, it just didn’t matter.  The world had done me wrong.  The world was wrong.  Poor me.  I was angry and very, very unhappy.

Material things didn’t make me happy.  Money didn’t make me happy.  Happiness didn’t exist for me at least not the way I thought it should.  I wanted to make myself happy by changing my surroundings, changing people.  I was looking outside myself for happiness.  People who agreed with me might have made me somewhat happy, but nothing really changed my heart until my perspective on life and the way things are.. changed.  And believe me this did not happen overnight.  It has taken me a long time to make the decision to change and to work on myself.  Some of it has come with age, but a lot of it has come with a willingness to want to feel happy, to bring happiness to others, and to show my children happiness.  I have to be willing to change.  I had to work for it.  I didn’t wake up one morning and boom I was happy.  Bad things still happen and there is still suffering. Life keeps on going.  People die.  People get sick.  People lose jobs, people move away.  Things in life change, and there is nothing I can do about that.  I can’t change other people, but what I recognized was I don’t need to change other people.  All I need to worry about is myself.  I need to work on me.  I need to focus on how I can make myself better, because if I don’t love myself, take care of myself, learn to be happy myself, how can I help anyone else?

Thich Nhat Hanh, a famous Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk, would say that we have to water the seeds of happiness.  This means I have to work at being happy.  I have to do things that bring happiness to me and my life, and to others, but he would also say being able to enjoy happiness doesn’t require that we have zero suffering.  It just means that my perspective on how I deal with any given situation is up to me.  I am not saying that we have to smile all the time or “act” like nothing is wrong when it is.  I am saying part of having a happy life in general for me is to honor my feelings, no matter what they are, when they come up.  It’s about being present in the moment and trying to learn how not to live in the past or project about the future.  It’s about right here, right now.  It’s about learning to be awake to this very precious moment that is all I have.

Rev. McKee said in the first sermon at the beginning of the semester, “we only have to recognize the gift and see it as good and respond to it.”  Recognizing it is the key here, and it made me think of the Bible verse from John 13:34, where Simon Peter and Jesus were talking.  Jesus said, “A new command I give you:  Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  Simon Peter said in response:  “Lord, where are you going?”  One could say or argue that Simon was not in the moment perhaps; that he didn’t even realize that Jesus just gave him a fabulous, awesome new commandment….to love one another.  He was worried about where he was going and completely missed the point.  He didn’t recognize the gift.

A Buddhist story along these same lines is the Flower Sermon given by the Buddha.  He said absolutely nothing in this sermon.  All he did was hold up a single flower and waited and waited and waited.  Everyone was trying to figure out why the Buddha was not saying anything….except one, Mahakasyapa.  All he did was look at the Buddha and smile.  The Buddha knew at that moment that he understood, and that he was the only one that understood.  It was about being in that particular moment fully awake and recognizing that there was nothing else but the Buddha holding up a flower.

Being present and awake to this moment with loving kindness toward myself and others, I believe, is the cornerstone of happiness.  When I am able to apply this to my life, with attention to this moment, I believe this is when I am the most happy.  Recognizing the absolute energy of right now is pretty huge.  Smiling to someone else and really smiling to their heart, meaning it.  Helping anyone I see that I can if they need it.  Being grateful for every.. little.. thing, my children, my family, friends, my breath, my health, a job, food, clothes.  I could go on and on.  These things may seem little to some, but I am truly, truly grateful for every one of those things.

I believe we are all one big sentient family, and if I have loving kindness at the center of my actions towards my fellow Earthlings and practice this with as much skill as I can, I believe this will bring me happiness and my family, and for others.  I believe that is the Zen of happiness….everyday life with loving kindness, filling our lives with love.  Do I do this all the time, definitely not!  But being open to the fact that I don’t have to live in negativity all the time and that I have a choice.  I can be miserable and negative all the time or I can try to be positive and uplifting.  I can open my heart and mind.  I don’t have to create opposites with my opinions. I can make amends when I do something wrong.  There is no “us” and “them”.  There is just us.  I can put it all down and just ask, “how may I help you?”

It hurts me to see all the anger, hatred, and negativity in the world today, and quite honestly I know that I cannot fix the world’s problems by any stretch, but what I can change is myself.  I can be as happy a person as I can.  I can work on myself, better myself, spread love wherever possible.  I can help my fellow family which is each one of us whenever and wherever possible.  I can always, always choose LOVE!  It’s like a ripple effect.  It starts with me and ripples out to my family, my street, my community, my country, the world.  It’s about building bridges, not tearing them down.  It’s about not creating opposites, not knee-jerk reacting to every little thing.  It’s about finding similarities.  We all want to be happy.  All of us do not want to suffer.  We are all one.  We are interdependent on this planet with everyone and everything else, and it’s up to each one of us to be LOVE.  I aspire to be this.  I want to be Love, and when I am not, I won’t give up.  I will try harder the next time because I believe happiness is on the path of love.  Imagine if we all looked at everyone, every sentient being, as a member of our family that we loved and cherished.  Just imagine that for a moment!

This summer I had the honor and privilege of seeing His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, with my Great Teacher and his wife.  This was truly a bucket-list moment for me.  His message was, WE ARE ONE…we are all brothers and sisters on this rock…all sentient beings matter! His main message, of course, was love.  It takes a strong and courageous heart to love those who are not very lovable.  That is the only thing that will work in the long run. Stand taller and rise above all the stuff that only brings people down. His Holiness said it doesn’t matter what your faith is as long as love and compassion are at the core. He said you have to be determined to BE love.  “Happiness is not something ready-made.  It comes from your own actions.”

So if no one has told you today that they love you, then I will.  I love you all.  Peace, love and happiness, Everyone!!!

 

Emmitt

So on May 25th, 2016, at 6:39 p.m. my world got even fuller.  My grandbaby, Emmitt, or as he is also known as (My G-baby, my Squishy baby, Grunty Baby or “him’s the tootest!”) was born!  Words really can’t describe what it’s like to be a Grammie, but I’m going to try.  He is the perfect blend of my son, Ethan, and his momma, Ashley.   They are great parents who love that little one so much!  They are handling their new roles like champs and with a great deal of ease, maturity, and poise.  I am so proud of them.  You know, it’s such an amazing thing to have children, to know that “this little human” is a part of you, but then when you get handed your grandbaby, well, that is a whole new level of life and awesomeness!!!  It’s legacy!  It’s spectacular!  I didn’t really know what that love was until that moment.  I remember getting the text from my son saying he was here, and I could come upstairs to see him for the first time.  I literally jumped up out of my seat and yelled in the middle of the hospital lobby.  It’s surreal.  The absolute two best days of my life happened on October 24, 1993, and October 20, 2005, when MY two babies were born.  But now I get to add a third best day, May 25, 2016.  Ten pounds, 14 ounces and 23 inches of the sweetest, most precious, most cuddly, preciousness ever!  I already have my next tattoo planned!  I love you, Emmitt!

emmitt2

 

 

 

Open Mind, Open Heart

A couple of weeks ago some students from the college that I work at mentioned that they were going to be visiting a local mosque to learn about their culture and religion. This fascinated me because I didn’t even know there was such a place for worship here in our area. Part of the direction of the Only Love Zen Sangha is to build bridges, tear down walls, and spread love and compassion where possible. One of the ways in which I want to try to achieve this is to visit/study other places of worship from all different faith backgrounds. My Great Teacher is doing this very thing in Michigan, and he has inspired me to do the same.  I thought this might be a place to start.  I went to the website and filled out the information to set up a visit. In my request to the spiritual leader there, I requested information on the proper etiquette for visitors to make sure that I didn’t do anything offensive. I think this is very important to try to appreciate other customs and rules because they are allowing me to visit.

 

Other religions fascinate me!  I love to study other cultures and traditions, so I was pretty excited about my adventure.  When the day finally came and I realized that I was going, I started to have some unusual apprehension that I had not planned on. It dawned on me when I got in the car that the scarf that I had on my head could might make it appear that I am a Muslim. This frightened me a little bit.  It wasn’t that long ago that a Buddhist priest was mistaken for a Muslim and was beaten.  I honestly looked out the windows of my car, and I pulled the scarf off my head. I realized then what some Muslims in our culture in America have to go through on a daily basis. It made me a little sick at my stomach the fact that certain groups have to walk around in fear all the time just because they have a tradition of covering their heads out of respect.  I realized then that the way people are judged by their looks is terrifying.  Why would anyone assume that all people of any particular background,race, religion or anything should be condemned or hurt or worse? So I decided that I would drive to the mosque (also more appropriately called a masjid) and honor everything about what they did and how they did it.

 

I got lost looking for the place so when I finally arrived it was raining, and a lady drove up in her car in full dress and I watched her walk in because they have a separate door for sisters as women are called. So I very quietly walked in behind her and I sat down after I realized I needed to take off my shoes.  I observed the woman in another room bowing in silence and praying. There was something very beautiful about her doing this and it reminded me of why I was there. I was there to find the similarities not the differences.  I bow in my practice as a Buddhist.  I do prostrations in my practice as a Buddhist.  I pray and chant in my practice.  There was absolutely no difference between her and me.

 

About that time a lady who was walking with a crutch came into the room where I was sitting and was very nice and asked me if she could help me. She identified herself as the Admin there and asked how I knew the teacher there.  I said that I had talked with him earlier that week via email and that he had told me that I could come to the class. She was very gracious and said that she had seen that email and made me feel welcome.

 

The first lady who came in before me told me what to expect and just told me to have a seat and make myself comfortable. She asked me what was my reason for being there, and I said that I was there studying different religious paths because I was a Zen Buddhist priest and I wanted to get to know a little bit about other traditions and other religious values and other places of worship so that in my quest to build bridges I would be able to speak with a little bit of knowledge about each and every place that I visit.  We chatted for a few minutes about looking for peaceful connections in things rather than creating opposites.

 

After I saw where I needed to sit, I sat beside her on the carpet in this big room very sparsely decorated. There were no statues, no crosses, no deities of any kind.  The man at the front of the room was dressed in a long, white robe with beads around his neck and white cap on his head.  He was standing next to a whiteboard and a few books on a little stand and he introduced himself.  

 

The next hour was filled with the beginning history of the Prophet Muhammad’s grandfather and talking about the history of Islam as it relates to the Prophet Muhammad, his grandmother and Medina and Mecca and how all of that kind of tied together. He said that this was like the beginning of a 6 to 8 week course; just a very generalized history of the Prophet’s life and his timeline.

 

The whole hour went by so fast because I was captivated by all the stories I had never heard before, a beautiful story. I was enthralled and really enjoyed listening to everything.  People came in during the class to sit and listen or just take notes.  It was very relaxed.  People could ask questions and comment about things that he was talking about.

 

After the class was over I sat and talked with the lady that walked in before me and we just talked about different aspects of the class and then she asked me what my purpose was for being there. My answer: “LOVE”, and she smiled.  We chatted some more about similarities and that people want peace and love in their lives.  Nobody wants to hurt and suffer.  I want to spread peace in the world and I want to figure out ways to do that. She shared with me some more about her Buddhist background and how she could relate to what I was doing.

 

After the class the teacher and I talked for a little bit about why I had come and my purpose.  I shared with him that in the past I was an activist with anger and how that never solved anything.  It never made anything better.  He seemed to understand and opened the book he had in his hand called “The Book of Wisdom”.  The very first few lines of the first chapter says, “One of the signs of relying on one’s own deeds is the loss of hope when a downfall occurs.  Our desire for isolation, even though God has put you in the world to gain a living, is a hidden passion.  And your desire to gain a living in the world, even though God has put you in isolation, if a comedown from a lofty aspiration.”

 

He invited me to an interfaith dialogue dinner later this month where 12 different religious leaders come together and eat dinner and talk about their paths. He asked if I would come as his guest and then he gave me the book that he had been reading from.  He said that in the past he had not found a Buddhist to participate in this gathering before and he said that he quit trying much like the passage in the book had said and when he did, I came to the class.  

 

This meant so much to me.  I went with an open heart and an open mind and I feel as though I made new friends.  I wrote him after class and asked him if I could continue to come to classes so that I can continue to learn. He said that I am very welcome to come and continue to listen to his classes and that he was excited that I was coming to the dinner.  
This was a beautiful experience!  When we go out in the world with an open heart and an open mind, beautiful things can happen if we are willing to listen and trust that moment.  We find good if we are looking for good.  We find peace if we are willing to cultivate it.  We spread love if we can be love!  The choice is ours!  Peace, Saij

Waking Up…

So one night I am Skyping with my Great Teacher, a monk/priest in the Zen Buddhist tradition. As we are wrapping up the teaching, he asks me….”Are you awake?” I said…um…yes. I think so. Being awake requires one to be present in the moment and actually pay attention to what is happening in that moment all around you moment after moment. It’s the ability to be that way in each and every moment…something that escapes me 99.99% of the time every single day! When I try to be awake in the moment and pay attention, I try to hold on to that feeling, that presence of mind. This particular evening, I thought that when we get done with our teaching session, I would try to hold on to this thought long enough to walk through the house and onto the deck to tell my partner about what it meant to me to be awake. Now, let me also say that that requires walking through five small rooms to get to my deck. I am not proud of the fact that it took me literally two rooms to lose my present moment. I thought to myself, this is hard….remaining completely present in the moment and only being in this moment alone. I almost instantly and without any effort leap to the future or go to the past. It is very hard work maintaining “awakeness” every moment…moment after moment. Needless to say, by the time I walked through the five small rooms in my house to get to the deck, I had worked out so many things in my head, planned several events, figured out what we should have for dinner, redesigned my bathroom, etc. etc. all in my head and at the same time realizing that that is exactly what I was doing and thinking to myself…how is it that I can’t hold onto a thought for more than a nanosecond? Living in the moment, paying attention to the here and now takes practice every single day. On the rare occasion when all the stars align and I can actually stay in the moment for more than a moment, I feel more, I hear more, I see more, I love more….I am aware of more than just myself. I am awake…..even if just for a moment…..Zen Ragamuffin

Zen Ragamuffin

Zen Ragamuffin: 3/19/15
A ragamuffin is usually described as being a small child, usually female, who is dirty and wears torn clothing. I am not a ragamuffin in that sense, but after watching the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of Rich Mullins, I feel that I have found a new direction in a ragamuffin way. Rich Mullins was a Christian singer/songwriter who was a sad, lost man trying to find his own truth. He ultimately found it in his music and helping others. He was just himself. He didn’t care what other people thought about him or how he dressed, what he said or whether it was a typical Christian answer to typical Christian questions. He answered from his heart and a lot of the times it was a very profound answer that was real. He smoked cigarettes and drank.  He wore old t-shirts with jeans that had holes.  He always wanted the approval of his father and finally got some peace with his father just a short time before he was in a car crash that took his precious life at the age of 41. He was just a peaceful, loving guy with a lot of inner turmoil. He had a lot to say and he said it through his music that moved people all over the world. People could relate to him so much because he seemed to speak to that part of the human condition that doesn’t feel good enough about themselves.  He became famous, but that is not what he wanted and that is not where he found his happiness, his true spirit. He found it within himself, through accepting the circumstances he had with his father, his music and the choices he had made.

I can relate so much to Rich Mullins in a lot of ways. I have always had some sort of calling. I have always been a seeker. The thing is I didn’t know how to just be myself and say what I needed to say without fear; fear of rejection, fear of condemnation, fear that I wouldn’t be liked or that I would be judged or that I would be wrong about what I say and not know how to defend what I had said in the first place. I have done this for most of my life.

In the past, if I said what I wanted it usually wasn’t very skillful. I never used to think about what I said. I would just blurt it out and not think about the consequences or who it might hurt. I didn’t have any thought of what it might do to someone else. I just thought I was “right” so then I must say it, but what I know now is that I was using this as a way to hide who I really was and I also didn’t know who I was. I knew that I hurt inside and that I was lost. I didn’t fit in anywhere and I felt very different. There was definitely something missing in my spirit, but I didn’t know what it was. I wanted more always. I wanted to be accepted, but I also wanted to be different from everything I saw around me. There was an ache inside, a sadness, but a drive to figure it out. That’s what I have been doing for the last 25 plus years. One thing I know more than anything else about myself is that I was supposed to be a momma. My boys are the one true thing in my life. They are me, and I am them. I couldn’t breathe without them. I don’t know what I did before them. But I also knew there was something more about me that I had to find out.

The part of my spirit that had been missing was a sense of who I was besides being a mom to my two boys. All of that changed when I found Buddhism back in the 90’s. I knew when I evolved into Buddhism that I found my true self-calling. I just didn’t know what that looked like and all the studying I did or meditating I did didn’t seem to answer the questions either. They made me feel better, but the more I studied, the more I meditated and hung around with like-minded people the more I questioned. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what the force was that was pushing me forward and I still had so much to learn. I had many more trials to go through, relationships, parent problems, personal traumas to deal with, but once I got through a lot of that stuff, I still had a hole to fill. That’s when I found seminary or seminary found me.

I have been in Zen seminary now for a year and a half. I have studied hard, read tons of stuff, meditated more than I ever had before and with a new mental attitude toward it all, but what would I do with it? I knew I wanted to be monastic. One of the things I thought I wanted more than anything was to live in a cave somewhere in India or Tibet and meditate until I die, but being a mom and having responsibilities didn’t seem to push me in that direction.  Part  of me longed to be alone, to just have quiet, to sort things out….what things I am not sure. I just knew that there was not enough time, space or quiet that could help me figure that out. Then my Great Teacher said something to me one day that made me rethink things. He said something like, what good could I do people if I was stuck in some cave or monastery in some far-off land? I honestly didn’t know and nobody had really asked me that before. I just knew that what he said made sense. I wanted to help people. I wanted to teach people, but what could I teach them? I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t like anything I really had to say, but I had so much to say. I didn’t feel good about my art, but I had so many drawings and paintings in my head. I had so much to write but I never wrote. I was just frozen, just stuck. I didn’t feel good enough to do anything with anything I was learning or building. The closer I came to ordination, the less worthy I felt with each passing day. I just wanted to do something.

I kept thinking that maybe I was supposed to open a Zen center and teach meditation and teach the Dharma, but how? I don’t have money to buy a place or even the cushions to sit on. And besides I wasn’t good enough to give a talk, teach anyone, and even if I did have the balls to teach something, someone would just question it and I wouldn’t have a good enough answer. I was never more stuck and unsure in my whole life. Then I ordained…..

The first time I would get angry after my ordination or say shit or damn or get frustrated with my little one or have an argument with my partner, I would feel more and more unworthy. How could I be a Zen priest who couldn’t control her own emotions? I wasn’t worthy. I didn’t fit here either. What was my direction? How could I help someone else if I couldn’t help myself?

So one night I was talking to my Great Teacher, and he told me about the movie, Ragamuffin, the story of Rich Mullins. I thought to myself, what could this possibly have to do with me? The answer is everything!!!! I truly think this movie has helped to set me free. What this movie is about is learning how to be free, be myself just like this..HOW TO BE ME…JUST ME…..JUST ME!!! REGARDLESS!!!!  Being me just the way I am is Zen, Zen in the moment, whatever that looks like.
So I am sitting here listening to some of the best damn music ever…kirtan by Krishna Das, smoking my e-cig and finally writing about what is going on, saying it freely without too much worry.  I still have doubts, but I am working on it slowly but surely, and it starts right now.  I have a whole lot to say, and I am going to say it regardless. It doesn’t matter if people don’t like it. It doesn’t matter if people don’t understand it. It just is. This is what it means to me to be a Zen Ragamuffin. Being myself, with all my flaws, just being my hippie momma-vegan-eclectic-Zen priest self, making mistakes, saying things that matter to me but taking other people’s feeling into consideration the best way I know how and just helping all the humans and non-humans to the best of my ability with love. I don’t know if what I have to say will ever help someone or not.  If it does, that’s awesome!  If it doesn’t, that’s cool, too.  But from now on, I am going to put it out there.  I am going to at least have the courage to try so that I don’t look back when I am taking my last breath and say I sure wish I had tried.  That’s a Zen Ragamuffin!

Only Love and Peace

The Zen Ragamuffin

Rev. Jachong Charama